Baby girl!!??

I don't know how people keep up with publishing blogs. "Ain't nobody got time for dat..." :)

And as usual I don't really have time to write this, but I just wanted to record some thoughts about this baby girl I've got coming along here... So here we go...

It took me a long time to even tell anyone I was pregnant this time. I have gotten so worn out of all the stupid comments people make about my reproductive choices that I just wanted to wait as long as possible to have to deal with that. I got to about 18 weeks before I told anyone besides close friends/family. And of course the very day I started telling people the stupid comments started rolling in. "Oh I heard you're pregnant again?? Like you need any more kids!" "Haven't you heard of the big 'B' word? BIRTH CONTROL??" And who can forget the ubiquitous "WERE YOU TRYING FOR A GIRL??" *sigh*

(When Dan and I first got married we talked about how many children we would want to have. He wanted a big family, having come from one and loving it, I wanted a not-so-big family of 4 children since that's what I came from. We decided our minimum would be 4, and our maximum number would be 6, and we would take it one at a time- although with my prejudice against uneven numbers we not-so-jokingly said it would probably be either 4 or 6. So before we even had children I made Christmas stockings for Dan and me and had a lot of leftover material. I decided I would just go ahead and cut out 6 more stockings, just in case, so we could all have matching ones. So I have had those stockings in my closet, and have been using them up one by one, for the past 12 years. (I include this story because of how often people insinuate we have been "trying for a girl." No. We have been trying for humans, and we have been wildly successful....)  )

Anyway,  I was super anxious to find out the sex of the baby and here in Qatar they do an ultrasound at every appointment. At my 16 week appointment my doctor looked and told me she thought it was a boy. She said she couldn't be sure because the baby was so little, so we would check again at the next appointment. I was so sure it was going to be a boy that I just took her word for it and started planning out all things boy. I was actually pretty happy about it. Everything would work out perfectly: bedroom assignments, hand-me-downs, we even had a name all ready to go. I was all ready to have this awesome all-boy family.

One day it occurred to me that since we are planning this to be our last child I would never have the experience of having a daughter. Not something I ever would have imagined, but something I would never get to experience. In that realization I did feel some sadness. Even though I was actually pretty excited for our all boy world, I spent a good portion of that month working through some of those feelings of sadness. It was while Dan and I were planning our trip to Scotland that I had sort of an epiphany and laid that sadness to rest: Dan was getting really frustrated while we were planning our trip because there was just too much cool stuff to do there and just not enough time to do it all. I told him not to worry about it because whatever we ended up doing would be awesome and we should just enjoy the things we get to do. As those words left my mouth, I realized that was exactly what I needed to hear in relation to this baby: Just enjoy the life experiences that you have, and don't worry about the ones you don't get to have. This world is so big, there are so many places we will never see, so many foods we will never taste, so many things we will never get to do, and that's OK. Just enjoy what we do get to experience. We have always enjoyed the children we have been sent, and we will continue to do so!!

The day I went in for my 20 week ultrasound I felt very nervous. I don't really know why I was so nervous, but I really wanted the confirmation of the sex of the baby. As we did the ultrasound the doctor went through the whole anatomical scan and thankfully everything looked really good, so she finished and was ready to send me on my way.  UM, YOU FORGOT SOMETHING!! So I reminded her that she said she would confirm the sex and she went back to have a look. She spent a couple minutes looking at the baby's nether regions and uttered a rather ominous sounding "Hmmmm..." That Hmmmm made me all sorts of nervous... "I am not seeing any 'bits,'" she said. "What I am seeing is the three lines we look for when we are looking for girl parts." My brain pretty much could not compute what she was saying. All I could manage was, "Well, then you need to check again." I insisted several times that she keep looking and she did- for probably 5 minutes straight. She looked and looked and no there were no "bits" to be found. I have to admit I was pretty much in shock and in complete disbelief. The rest of my appointment I almost couldn't talk and had to have Dan answer some of her questions for me.

 I went to go settle the bill and sent Dan out to the car to wait for me. As I came outside, I burst into tears. The flood of emotions that came over me was pretty intense. I just sat in the car and cried. I was angry. I was shocked. I felt like I was being toyed with. I felt like I had worked through all these emotions and now there was this totally unexpected curve ball thrown at me. I felt like this would throw off my whole "awesome boy family" idea... It would mess up bedrooms and hand-me-downs. I never realized it before because when I started to have children I had made a very conscious decision to be happy with whoever came to our family, but way down deep I really did want a girl, and I honestly didn't know how much. In there somewhere I felt a little happiness, but I felt like it was too big of a risk to let that part of my heart open up, because the doctor might be wrong, and I NEVER wanted to be unhappy with who God sent to us. Each of my boys is a unique treasure and I was whole-heartedly ready to love another boy (because as we all know, once you hold that new baby in your arms, you are completely smitten, no matter who they are) but just the chance that it could be a girl brought out emotions that I could hardly handle. I realized I had carefully guarded that part of my heart, and the ultrasound laid it open and raw. I decided I would not believe it until I had more confirmation, because I just couldn't bear it emotionally.

The 4 weeks between appointments was pretty emotional for me. I tried to continue my long standing policy of not looking at the little girl clothes at the store, but I would see them an get a little rush of excitement. I saw a post on my sister's Facebook wall about a french braid tutorial and I almost welled up in tears thinking I might get to have a daughter to try that on someday. Dan and I went to Ikea and I saw a little girl room all set up and it was just so beautiful. All these things I had never thought about before started popping up and toying with me! I MUST REMAIN IN CONTROL OF MYSELF BECAUSE IF THIS BABY IS ACTUALLY A BOY I DO NOT WANT TO BE SAD ABOUT IT!

Even before we could have known the sex of the baby, I have had an awful fear that something tragic would happen to this baby. I don't think I've ever felt so scared during a pregnancy. (I have had 5 friends/family within the last year or so lose their babies. Each of which broke my heart and it has affected me this whole pregnancy.) Thinking it could be a girl seemed too good to be true, and actually heightened that fear.

So as the date approached for my next appointment, my heart had opened up more and more to having a girl. I kept replaying the first ultrasound in my head and the more I did, the more I realized baby was probably a girl, but I still felt so very nervous walking into that appointment. As we started the ultrasound the doctor (actually my usual doctor's husband) asked if I had any questions and I said I had one big one!! So that was the first thing he checked. He immediately checked that area (this poor baby's privacy has been invaded a little too often!) and zeroed in on the parts in question. He said he was 110% sure it was a girl. He turned to his nurse and said, "Now our nurses are very good at telling the sex of the baby, and they are very naughty about it...Sister, what does that look like??" to which she answered, "It looks like me!" Ew. But they both assured me it was a girl - it was pretty obvious. And then I believed. And my heart flooded with emotion. And I was finally able to let the happiness in. And I feel so very happy.

Once I finally believed (Dan believed sooner than I did) we realized we needed to think of a name. Other names we thought of before had been used on cousins or were only pertinent to a different time and place. (For example our last baby was "made in France" (sorry, TMI) and we thought of the name Marianne- a name I had always wanted to name a girl, but Dan never liked it. We looked it up and it was the name of the symbol of France, and many of the statues around France that are women are representations of her. So it seemed perfect... but that was then, and the name just doesn't seem to fit for this baby.) This time my idea was I wanted a name that communicated the idea of this baby being a gift or treasure, but also a name that was inspired by Qatar and the fact she'll be born here. I was looking through a naming website where they group names by category and I saw a category called "Old lady names." Now since our boys have all old man names, I figured little miss would want to fit in :). So I took a look and most of the names were a little too "old lady," when suddenly one seemed to jump off the screen at me. It is a treasure. It ties in with Qatar's history. I emailed it to Dan and he agreed it was a great fit. Of course we always leave the option open to change our mind, but for now this baby has a name that we think is absolutely perfect:

Pearl.


No middle name as of yet... there will be one, we just haven't thought of it :).


Now I just have to put up with people saying, "You finally got your girl..." all the time. Oh, well....

Lest you think I hate it here

In my last post I was having a bad day. Today, like most days, I am just fine. So you all don't think I am just miserable here, here is a list of things I like about being here. (In no particular order, of course).

1. The people. There are so many nice people here. So many people with open hearts willing to befriend and help people they barely know. We're all far from home. We're all a little lonely. And we're all willing to love each other.

2. The driving. OK I know in my last post I said I hated the drivers here because they are so very crazy, and oh my goodness they are, but in a way I feel like being here has taught me to be a better driver. You have to be so aware of everything around you, you quickly learn you absolutely cannot drive distracted, and you become aware of every car and you're able to anticipate some of the crazy things they might do. And I have to admit I kind of enjoy the excuse (because sometimes it's a necessity) to drive like kind of a jerk at times. :)

3. Being a minority. 8% of the population here is American/European. Dan and I actually play a game when we go out trying to see if we can find other caucasians. But it is interesting to see the world from a different perspective,  learn to appreciate the many and varied cultures around you, and to see what it is like to be the minority.

4. The chance to redefine/know oneself. I felt like a lot of the things that I thought composed my identity were kind of stripped away when I moved here. It's been hard in a way, but I feel it's helping me stretch and grow as a person to realize those things didn't necessarily define me and there are other facets of myself that can grow and flourish.

5. The desert. We have been having so much fun exploring the desert out here. Qatar is really small (if you placed Qatar over Houston it would reach from Montgomery county to Galveston) and you can drive across it easily in an afternoon. It's really fun just to take the car into 4 wheel drive and go out in the desert and see what we can find. It reinforces something I've always believed, which is "there is beauty everywhere." You just have to look around you.

6. The opportunity to travel. Really, this is 90% of the reason we came here. The world is just open to us right now, and it is so exciting. It helps me get through some of the things I don't like about being here to be able to have something exciting to look forward to. And there have been some very specific instances where I realize that it has been good for my kids. They are understanding the scope of the world- just how big it is- and getting to see other cultures and hear different languages and accents, and understand that people are just people wherever you go.

7. The appreciation of things you have. I took for granted how wonderful America is. I took for granted what good friends I have back at home. I took for granted how nice it was to live by family.  Being here has really helped me see and appreciate all those, and more wonderful things.

8. The boys' school. I am a little jealous of my kids' school. Like when George comes home and tells me about what he built in Robotics class... or when the kids came home from international day and told me about all the foods they ate, and the falcons they petted, the Palestinian dancers they saw, etc. Stuff like that. I love that even though it's an American school, the boys are in the minority. I always love seeing their class lists, too, with names like Noor, Gheed, Tameem, Mikaal, Booshi, Matheus, Shravan, Sedra, Leen, Anders, Hassan... you get the idea. I have also been really impressed with their grade level concerts. Decorated themed sets, dancing, singing, instruments. They are very well done.

9. The slower pace of life. School has early release every Tuesday. The boys soccer practice is all on Tuesday up at the school. The boys have after school activities on Mondays and the bus brings them home from those. Things have really slowed down for us and I feel the difference in my own stress level. As much as I miss our bikes rides to and from school everyday (and let me tell you my little heart positively aches for my bike and the bike trails) it has been nice to have the boys ride a bus. Henry is dropped off from preK at our door, so I don't even have to wake my little ones if they are asleep when he gets home. A lot of our activities (like a little music class I take the youngest boys to, or a photography group I attend) are on the compound, which makes it so easy to be involved in them.

10. The architecture. I have to admit, I really love going into downtown and just looking at the buildings. I also love seeing all the different mosques around town. There are intricate Arabic designs all over different buildings... I've thought of doing a photo series of them because they are so cool... (Maybe I'll attend my photography class for a few more months before I embark on that so the pictures will be any good :) )

I didn't take this picture, and it's not the full skyline, but it shows some of the buildings I like:

11. The events.  There are tons of free events to attend here. We went to a couple Ramadan events, a Porsche race at the international speedway,  a boat festival, the Motor show... there was a Nutcracker Ballet that we tried to go to, but unfortunately lots of other people tried to go, too, so it was full, but it would have been free :). Anyways, there are tons of free events around town, you just have to do a little research to find them (advertising is not always super good here). Here are a few from the car show:

Inside the convention center:

From the Porsche race.... See that little blur in the road? Super fast Porsche!

12. The choir! I'm so glad I found the Doha Singers. It has been so good for my soul to sing again, for real. I don't think I've really sung full voice for years. I forgot how much I enjoy being in a choir.

There is a lot to like about being here. And on most days, those things balance out the things I hate :)

Things I hate.

So.  One of my favorite sayings is "bloom where you're planted." To me it means wherever you are, whatever your circumstances, try to make the very best of it. I am a firm believer in this and it's how I try to live my life. I don't like to focus on the negative because I feel like that makes it grow in your mind.

Today, I am grumpy Melissa. So, I am going to make a list of the things I hate about being here, and then I will be done with them and back to focusing on the good of being here. Here is my mental dump, in no particular order:

1. Dust, sand, more dust, more sand. OOOH how sick I am of how dirty it is here. If the boys so much a step foot outside, they look like dirty orphan children. Anything that is left outside for any period of time is COVERED in superfine sand. I'm so sick of the feeling of sand on my hands and feet. I am sick of mopping the floor constantly.

2. Drivers. I have never seen anything like the drivers here. Just absolute madness. Seriously every time I get where I am going safely I offer a little prayer of thanks. And every time I go through a big, three-lane roundabout, where no one even remotely follows the rules, I get a surge of adrenaline and then a huge sense of relief when I exit the roundabout.

3. The house provided by the company. It's way too big. I never want a house this big again.

4. All of the appliances in this house. We are back to a "wash the dishes before you wash them" dishwasher, a clothes dryer that tears up clothes and takes a couple cycles to get them dry, a glass top electric stove, and oven that is about 30-50 degrees off temperature.

5. Most of the furniture provided with the house. Don't get me wrong, it was nice not to have to worry about furnishing the house, but they seriously got the cheapest, most impractical furniture for these houses. I could go on and on about this one....

6. Living in a compound with workers EVERYWHERE.  We live just a few houses down from the management office, and that's where a lot of the workers congregate. I seriously can't step outside my house without seeing one of the compound workers. I try really hard to smile and greet them because I want to treat them kindly, but it wears on me and I have a hard time feeling completely at home. They literally stare at me and the boys if we so much as walk by, and if we are outside playing a game of baseball or basketball in the street, we literally draw a crowd. It's so strange. If we go on a bike ride or walk, we encounter so many of them and I just get sick of it. It makes me sad knowing they are all far away from their families and lonely and looking at my kids and missing their own.

7. Water coolers. So sick of having to keep up with a water cooler. I miss my fridge where I could just get water out of the dispenser, or even just being confident that the tap water was ok. I am constantly running out of water cooler jugs and forgetting to get more, and I hate always having to hoist the 5 gallon jug up to the cooler. And I swear it always runs out on me when I don't have time for it to run out.

8. Being SO far away from home. It's just hard.


That's all for now. Now to get back to having a good attitude. Right..... now.....

The third time Paris has changed my life....

(Disclaimer: This has been much on my mind lately, and I think it's time to share. I am speaking of the world as I know it, and only of my experience.)

I'll tell you about the other two times some other time.... but for today:

Some pictures from Paris, and an epiphany.

These are some of the most beautiful sights from our Paris trip:

I liked these Paris sights even better:

But the real epiphany came when we got home and I realized, I like these sights the most. The every day, the "mundane". The most beautiful.

SO. The point of my story is this:

I was always jealous of people who got to travel. I was having babies and keeping a house and looked on as my friends traveled the world, enjoying young single-hood. I am getting my turn and it is really fun and I am glad we have had several opportunities. But there is something very important that I want to share:

Walking into a place like Notre Dame Cathedral, the Eiffel tower, or standing at the rim of the Grand canyon, or walking through a national park or wherever it may be that you're seeing the world is amazing. There is a rush of awe, feelings of wonder. But trips always end. And you have to come home sometime. For all the feelings of wonder and delight and excitement of traveling, they cannot compare to the soaring joy of being with the ones you love. People matter. Trips are fun. But love and people are what make life worth living. 

These little moments are where I find the true meaning in my life. I think it took a few trips and a few children for me to realize to the true value of what I have and how I have chosen to live my life. And the emotions I feel when I am living every day life with my family eclipse any I have ever felt anywhere else. 

I will close with a little paragraph from my journal a few months ago:

Tonight as I checked on my babies before going to bed, I was overcome with emotion. Somewhere, some time, someone must have expressed this better than I can... But the are times when the intensity of the love I feel for my children is so strong I almost feel suffocated by it. Like someone is reaching into my chest and physically squeezing my heart. It is almost overwhelming. The depth and breadth of emotion - both the joy and the pain- that I have felt since becoming a mother has made me feel intensely human... I have never felt more alive.