I don't know how people keep up with publishing blogs. "Ain't nobody got time for dat..." :)
And as usual I don't really have time to write this, but I just wanted to record some thoughts about this baby girl I've got coming along here... So here we go...
It took me a long time to even tell anyone I was pregnant this time. I have gotten so worn out of all the stupid comments people make about my reproductive choices that I just wanted to wait as long as possible to have to deal with that. I got to about 18 weeks before I told anyone besides close friends/family. And of course the very day I started telling people the stupid comments started rolling in. "Oh I heard you're pregnant again?? Like you need any more kids!" "Haven't you heard of the big 'B' word? BIRTH CONTROL??" And who can forget the ubiquitous "WERE YOU TRYING FOR A GIRL??" *sigh*
(When Dan and I first got married we talked about how many children we would want to have. He wanted a big family, having come from one and loving it, I wanted a not-so-big family of 4 children since that's what I came from. We decided our minimum would be 4, and our maximum number would be 6, and we would take it one at a time- although with my prejudice against uneven numbers we not-so-jokingly said it would probably be either 4 or 6. So before we even had children I made Christmas stockings for Dan and me and had a lot of leftover material. I decided I would just go ahead and cut out 6 more stockings, just in case, so we could all have matching ones. So I have had those stockings in my closet, and have been using them up one by one, for the past 12 years. (I include this story because of how often people insinuate we have been "trying for a girl." No. We have been trying for humans, and we have been wildly successful....) )
Anyway, I was super anxious to find out the sex of the baby and here in Qatar they do an ultrasound at every appointment. At my 16 week appointment my doctor looked and told me she thought it was a boy. She said she couldn't be sure because the baby was so little, so we would check again at the next appointment. I was so sure it was going to be a boy that I just took her word for it and started planning out all things boy. I was actually pretty happy about it. Everything would work out perfectly: bedroom assignments, hand-me-downs, we even had a name all ready to go. I was all ready to have this awesome all-boy family.
One day it occurred to me that since we are planning this to be our last child I would never have the experience of having a daughter. Not something I ever would have imagined, but something I would never get to experience. In that realization I did feel some sadness. Even though I was actually pretty excited for our all boy world, I spent a good portion of that month working through some of those feelings of sadness. It was while Dan and I were planning our trip to Scotland that I had sort of an epiphany and laid that sadness to rest: Dan was getting really frustrated while we were planning our trip because there was just too much cool stuff to do there and just not enough time to do it all. I told him not to worry about it because whatever we ended up doing would be awesome and we should just enjoy the things we get to do. As those words left my mouth, I realized that was exactly what I needed to hear in relation to this baby: Just enjoy the life experiences that you have, and don't worry about the ones you don't get to have. This world is so big, there are so many places we will never see, so many foods we will never taste, so many things we will never get to do, and that's OK. Just enjoy what we do get to experience. We have always enjoyed the children we have been sent, and we will continue to do so!!
The day I went in for my 20 week ultrasound I felt very nervous. I don't really know why I was so nervous, but I really wanted the confirmation of the sex of the baby. As we did the ultrasound the doctor went through the whole anatomical scan and thankfully everything looked really good, so she finished and was ready to send me on my way. UM, YOU FORGOT SOMETHING!! So I reminded her that she said she would confirm the sex and she went back to have a look. She spent a couple minutes looking at the baby's nether regions and uttered a rather ominous sounding "Hmmmm..." That Hmmmm made me all sorts of nervous... "I am not seeing any 'bits,'" she said. "What I am seeing is the three lines we look for when we are looking for girl parts." My brain pretty much could not compute what she was saying. All I could manage was, "Well, then you need to check again." I insisted several times that she keep looking and she did- for probably 5 minutes straight. She looked and looked and no there were no "bits" to be found. I have to admit I was pretty much in shock and in complete disbelief. The rest of my appointment I almost couldn't talk and had to have Dan answer some of her questions for me.
I went to go settle the bill and sent Dan out to the car to wait for me. As I came outside, I burst into tears. The flood of emotions that came over me was pretty intense. I just sat in the car and cried. I was angry. I was shocked. I felt like I was being toyed with. I felt like I had worked through all these emotions and now there was this totally unexpected curve ball thrown at me. I felt like this would throw off my whole "awesome boy family" idea... It would mess up bedrooms and hand-me-downs. I never realized it before because when I started to have children I had made a very conscious decision to be happy with whoever came to our family, but way down deep I really did want a girl, and I honestly didn't know how much. In there somewhere I felt a little happiness, but I felt like it was too big of a risk to let that part of my heart open up, because the doctor might be wrong, and I NEVER wanted to be unhappy with who God sent to us. Each of my boys is a unique treasure and I was whole-heartedly ready to love another boy (because as we all know, once you hold that new baby in your arms, you are completely smitten, no matter who they are) but just the chance that it could be a girl brought out emotions that I could hardly handle. I realized I had carefully guarded that part of my heart, and the ultrasound laid it open and raw. I decided I would not believe it until I had more confirmation, because I just couldn't bear it emotionally.
The 4 weeks between appointments was pretty emotional for me. I tried to continue my long standing policy of not looking at the little girl clothes at the store, but I would see them an get a little rush of excitement. I saw a post on my sister's Facebook wall about a french braid tutorial and I almost welled up in tears thinking I might get to have a daughter to try that on someday. Dan and I went to Ikea and I saw a little girl room all set up and it was just so beautiful. All these things I had never thought about before started popping up and toying with me! I MUST REMAIN IN CONTROL OF MYSELF BECAUSE IF THIS BABY IS ACTUALLY A BOY I DO NOT WANT TO BE SAD ABOUT IT!
Even before we could have known the sex of the baby, I have had an awful fear that something tragic would happen to this baby. I don't think I've ever felt so scared during a pregnancy. (I have had 5 friends/family within the last year or so lose their babies. Each of which broke my heart and it has affected me this whole pregnancy.) Thinking it could be a girl seemed too good to be true, and actually heightened that fear.
So as the date approached for my next appointment, my heart had opened up more and more to having a girl. I kept replaying the first ultrasound in my head and the more I did, the more I realized baby was probably a girl, but I still felt so very nervous walking into that appointment. As we started the ultrasound the doctor (actually my usual doctor's husband) asked if I had any questions and I said I had one big one!! So that was the first thing he checked. He immediately checked that area (this poor baby's privacy has been invaded a little too often!) and zeroed in on the parts in question. He said he was 110% sure it was a girl. He turned to his nurse and said, "Now our nurses are very good at telling the sex of the baby, and they are very naughty about it...Sister, what does that look like??" to which she answered, "It looks like me!" Ew. But they both assured me it was a girl - it was pretty obvious. And then I believed. And my heart flooded with emotion. And I was finally able to let the happiness in. And I feel so very happy.
Once I finally believed (Dan believed sooner than I did) we realized we needed to think of a name. Other names we thought of before had been used on cousins or were only pertinent to a different time and place. (For example our last baby was "made in France" (sorry, TMI) and we thought of the name Marianne- a name I had always wanted to name a girl, but Dan never liked it. We looked it up and it was the name of the symbol of France, and many of the statues around France that are women are representations of her. So it seemed perfect... but that was then, and the name just doesn't seem to fit for this baby.) This time my idea was I wanted a name that communicated the idea of this baby being a gift or treasure, but also a name that was inspired by Qatar and the fact she'll be born here. I was looking through a naming website where they group names by category and I saw a category called "Old lady names." Now since our boys have all old man names, I figured little miss would want to fit in :). So I took a look and most of the names were a little too "old lady," when suddenly one seemed to jump off the screen at me. It is a treasure. It ties in with Qatar's history. I emailed it to Dan and he agreed it was a great fit. Of course we always leave the option open to change our mind, but for now this baby has a name that we think is absolutely perfect:
Pearl.
No middle name as of yet... there will be one, we just haven't thought of it :).
Now I just have to put up with people saying, "You finally got your girl..." all the time. Oh, well....
And as usual I don't really have time to write this, but I just wanted to record some thoughts about this baby girl I've got coming along here... So here we go...
It took me a long time to even tell anyone I was pregnant this time. I have gotten so worn out of all the stupid comments people make about my reproductive choices that I just wanted to wait as long as possible to have to deal with that. I got to about 18 weeks before I told anyone besides close friends/family. And of course the very day I started telling people the stupid comments started rolling in. "Oh I heard you're pregnant again?? Like you need any more kids!" "Haven't you heard of the big 'B' word? BIRTH CONTROL??" And who can forget the ubiquitous "WERE YOU TRYING FOR A GIRL??" *sigh*
(When Dan and I first got married we talked about how many children we would want to have. He wanted a big family, having come from one and loving it, I wanted a not-so-big family of 4 children since that's what I came from. We decided our minimum would be 4, and our maximum number would be 6, and we would take it one at a time- although with my prejudice against uneven numbers we not-so-jokingly said it would probably be either 4 or 6. So before we even had children I made Christmas stockings for Dan and me and had a lot of leftover material. I decided I would just go ahead and cut out 6 more stockings, just in case, so we could all have matching ones. So I have had those stockings in my closet, and have been using them up one by one, for the past 12 years. (I include this story because of how often people insinuate we have been "trying for a girl." No. We have been trying for humans, and we have been wildly successful....) )
Anyway, I was super anxious to find out the sex of the baby and here in Qatar they do an ultrasound at every appointment. At my 16 week appointment my doctor looked and told me she thought it was a boy. She said she couldn't be sure because the baby was so little, so we would check again at the next appointment. I was so sure it was going to be a boy that I just took her word for it and started planning out all things boy. I was actually pretty happy about it. Everything would work out perfectly: bedroom assignments, hand-me-downs, we even had a name all ready to go. I was all ready to have this awesome all-boy family.
One day it occurred to me that since we are planning this to be our last child I would never have the experience of having a daughter. Not something I ever would have imagined, but something I would never get to experience. In that realization I did feel some sadness. Even though I was actually pretty excited for our all boy world, I spent a good portion of that month working through some of those feelings of sadness. It was while Dan and I were planning our trip to Scotland that I had sort of an epiphany and laid that sadness to rest: Dan was getting really frustrated while we were planning our trip because there was just too much cool stuff to do there and just not enough time to do it all. I told him not to worry about it because whatever we ended up doing would be awesome and we should just enjoy the things we get to do. As those words left my mouth, I realized that was exactly what I needed to hear in relation to this baby: Just enjoy the life experiences that you have, and don't worry about the ones you don't get to have. This world is so big, there are so many places we will never see, so many foods we will never taste, so many things we will never get to do, and that's OK. Just enjoy what we do get to experience. We have always enjoyed the children we have been sent, and we will continue to do so!!
The day I went in for my 20 week ultrasound I felt very nervous. I don't really know why I was so nervous, but I really wanted the confirmation of the sex of the baby. As we did the ultrasound the doctor went through the whole anatomical scan and thankfully everything looked really good, so she finished and was ready to send me on my way. UM, YOU FORGOT SOMETHING!! So I reminded her that she said she would confirm the sex and she went back to have a look. She spent a couple minutes looking at the baby's nether regions and uttered a rather ominous sounding "Hmmmm..." That Hmmmm made me all sorts of nervous... "I am not seeing any 'bits,'" she said. "What I am seeing is the three lines we look for when we are looking for girl parts." My brain pretty much could not compute what she was saying. All I could manage was, "Well, then you need to check again." I insisted several times that she keep looking and she did- for probably 5 minutes straight. She looked and looked and no there were no "bits" to be found. I have to admit I was pretty much in shock and in complete disbelief. The rest of my appointment I almost couldn't talk and had to have Dan answer some of her questions for me.
I went to go settle the bill and sent Dan out to the car to wait for me. As I came outside, I burst into tears. The flood of emotions that came over me was pretty intense. I just sat in the car and cried. I was angry. I was shocked. I felt like I was being toyed with. I felt like I had worked through all these emotions and now there was this totally unexpected curve ball thrown at me. I felt like this would throw off my whole "awesome boy family" idea... It would mess up bedrooms and hand-me-downs. I never realized it before because when I started to have children I had made a very conscious decision to be happy with whoever came to our family, but way down deep I really did want a girl, and I honestly didn't know how much. In there somewhere I felt a little happiness, but I felt like it was too big of a risk to let that part of my heart open up, because the doctor might be wrong, and I NEVER wanted to be unhappy with who God sent to us. Each of my boys is a unique treasure and I was whole-heartedly ready to love another boy (because as we all know, once you hold that new baby in your arms, you are completely smitten, no matter who they are) but just the chance that it could be a girl brought out emotions that I could hardly handle. I realized I had carefully guarded that part of my heart, and the ultrasound laid it open and raw. I decided I would not believe it until I had more confirmation, because I just couldn't bear it emotionally.
The 4 weeks between appointments was pretty emotional for me. I tried to continue my long standing policy of not looking at the little girl clothes at the store, but I would see them an get a little rush of excitement. I saw a post on my sister's Facebook wall about a french braid tutorial and I almost welled up in tears thinking I might get to have a daughter to try that on someday. Dan and I went to Ikea and I saw a little girl room all set up and it was just so beautiful. All these things I had never thought about before started popping up and toying with me! I MUST REMAIN IN CONTROL OF MYSELF BECAUSE IF THIS BABY IS ACTUALLY A BOY I DO NOT WANT TO BE SAD ABOUT IT!
Even before we could have known the sex of the baby, I have had an awful fear that something tragic would happen to this baby. I don't think I've ever felt so scared during a pregnancy. (I have had 5 friends/family within the last year or so lose their babies. Each of which broke my heart and it has affected me this whole pregnancy.) Thinking it could be a girl seemed too good to be true, and actually heightened that fear.
So as the date approached for my next appointment, my heart had opened up more and more to having a girl. I kept replaying the first ultrasound in my head and the more I did, the more I realized baby was probably a girl, but I still felt so very nervous walking into that appointment. As we started the ultrasound the doctor (actually my usual doctor's husband) asked if I had any questions and I said I had one big one!! So that was the first thing he checked. He immediately checked that area (this poor baby's privacy has been invaded a little too often!) and zeroed in on the parts in question. He said he was 110% sure it was a girl. He turned to his nurse and said, "Now our nurses are very good at telling the sex of the baby, and they are very naughty about it...Sister, what does that look like??" to which she answered, "It looks like me!" Ew. But they both assured me it was a girl - it was pretty obvious. And then I believed. And my heart flooded with emotion. And I was finally able to let the happiness in. And I feel so very happy.
Once I finally believed (Dan believed sooner than I did) we realized we needed to think of a name. Other names we thought of before had been used on cousins or were only pertinent to a different time and place. (For example our last baby was "made in France" (sorry, TMI) and we thought of the name Marianne- a name I had always wanted to name a girl, but Dan never liked it. We looked it up and it was the name of the symbol of France, and many of the statues around France that are women are representations of her. So it seemed perfect... but that was then, and the name just doesn't seem to fit for this baby.) This time my idea was I wanted a name that communicated the idea of this baby being a gift or treasure, but also a name that was inspired by Qatar and the fact she'll be born here. I was looking through a naming website where they group names by category and I saw a category called "Old lady names." Now since our boys have all old man names, I figured little miss would want to fit in :). So I took a look and most of the names were a little too "old lady," when suddenly one seemed to jump off the screen at me. It is a treasure. It ties in with Qatar's history. I emailed it to Dan and he agreed it was a great fit. Of course we always leave the option open to change our mind, but for now this baby has a name that we think is absolutely perfect:
Pearl.
No middle name as of yet... there will be one, we just haven't thought of it :).
Now I just have to put up with people saying, "You finally got your girl..." all the time. Oh, well....
SO happy for you!! Just cannot wait. Now I'm just mad that I'll miss her when she's tiny ;)
ReplyDeleteSo very happy for you Melissa. I think I am almost as happy as you, since we have so few girl grandchildren. I agree, the boys are all wonderful, but it is nice to have some of both. It is super nice for us to get another girl.. Espectially nice she will be your daughter. Can;t wait to meet Pearl! Our little treasure.
ReplyDeleteMelissa...I am SO EXCITED that you are blessed with a little girl!!! I LOVE HER NAME TOO!!! Pearl was my grandma's name! :) She will be adorable, just like her brothers...hopefully she will get your curls too!! :)
ReplyDeleteMany cool things to do in Scotland...too right there are!! I'm still waiting to see pictures from my dear homeland!
ReplyDeleteI am so happy for you all- 6th babies are great! They sometimes make you wait and the ones with old lady names are even better- so from one baby#6 with an old lady name to a future one- you will have an amazing family who will love you- you may think they are crazy at times but that's a good thing- trust me!!
I love this post! I'm glad you took the time to write it. It brought back floods of memories about Emmy. She was going to be our last, so when they told me it was going to be a girl it took me a little while to get excited about having 3 girls and the loss of having the experience of boys. The next ultrasound they said that they weren't entire convinced that it was a girl, they thought it looked like boy parts. Third ultrasound confirmed that she was definitely a girl. Such a roller coaster of emotions. I can only imagine the feelings would be more intense with #6.
ReplyDeleteEither way, I am so excited for this little one to be joining your family! I can't believe the comments you get. You guys make amazing little humans and the world is better off having them in it!
Well, you know how I feel (and I know how you feel). I can't wait to meet her.
ReplyDeleteI loved this post! :-) I knew somewhere down deep you wanted a girl! ;-) I also get how you never wanted to be disappointed with the human you were blessed with after each pregnancy! ;-) Although I'll never get the opportunity to have a sweet daughter in this life, it was fun to read your post and live vicariously through you, but also get the reminder that we should just enjoy the journey... ;-) Being disabled, there are so many things I've not been able to do and I used to worry about how my boys would feel about being raised by a mom who couldn't do all the fun things other moms could do. But now I've learned to appreciate all the blessings, gifts and lessons they are receiving by having a disabled mom: compassion, patience, understanding, empathy, etc. My boys have been trained by their dad to treat me like a queen, be respectful, and true gentlemen. ;-) I feel so much love from each of them, I could not feel more blessed! ;-) I am so excited for you to have a little girl! ;-) Pearl is the name of my friend's daughter and they call her Pearlie all the time - she it's adorable and so cute, as I'm sure your sweet daughter will be! :-) Love you Melissa! :-) Thanks for letting me read your blogs! ;-)
ReplyDeletethat is great news
ReplyDeleteMy dear, you need to write a book--you are a fantastic writer! Fun to read your thoughts. I have had a lot of the same, so it's fun to see someone else going through the same things I am at the same time. She will be one blessed (and tough!) little girl with all her handsome older brothers. :)
ReplyDeleteYeah for girls! I bet she will love having 6 dads to take care of her and beat up her boyfriends and a mom to share all her secrets with. CONGRATS!!
ReplyDelete